7 Steps to a Drama-Free Life
"We are all mirrors for others. Through the mirrors or relationships, we discover extended states of awareness. Those whom we love and those whom we are repelled by are both mirrors of our ourselves. By recognizing that we can see ourselves in others, every relationship becomes a tool for evolving our consciousness." (Chopra) (1)
Evolving Consciousness
What have the mirrors in our life been showing you lately? For me, mirrors have been showing up in my life a lot lately! The teachings from mirrors can be helpful for recognizing the desirable and (less desirable) aspects of ourselves. We all have our part to play in this life. We are all connected, and within each person, there is a piece of you within them, and in them, a piece of you. Every single person in this universe has strengths- even that person that gets under your skin.
Recognizing strengths
It is helpful to understand our own strengths. I understand that one of my strengths is that I appreciate details. I admire and notice the details of a room (Everything is in its place, check! Everything is carefully curated, check!, Nice choice of art! check! ) and the details on piece of clothing (look at that interesting pleat! wow, I love that cuff!, what an interesting choice of fabric!) I also appreciate mastery of skills (practice makes perfect!, wow, look at the accolades that person has!) and consistently leverage lessons learned in my life and particularly in my work (don’t forget spell check! read everything twice, not three times!) I have whole collection of personal Pinterest boards dedicated to room details, clothing details, and the like.
Though I have many other strengths, just these couple of strengths help drive me to “create beauty, function, and standards” (Davidson) that set the stage for my environment and my work.
Recognizing weaknesses
I have come to realize that my innate strengths can manifest into some weaknesses. By just looking at the strengths I listed above, I know that (especially when stressed), I can tend to get stuck in the details, be obsessive, be overly critical (of myself and others) and can worry too much about making mistakes.
How Our Relationship Dramas Play Out in Our Lives
"If someone is a problem for you, it's you who needs to change. If you don't appreciate me, that's your problem, If I need your love and your approval then it's my problem". (Das) (3)
Have you ever thought about why you react to someone or a situation in a certain way? It could be that you are recognizing a strength (when you react positively) or a weakness (when you react negatively) in your life. If you have experienced some sort of hurt or trauma, it is also very likely that in that moment of the first hurt, you created a “response set” of emotions and reactions. This is your mind’s way of coping. Every time you experience something that resembles that initial hurt, your mind will revert to the same set of emotional responses. It might be time for you to surrender and release those negative patterns.
I recently had a couple of experiences where mirrors helped me realize where I needed to work on my weaknesses. Without getting into the details of the interactions, after some self-reflection, I realized that I need to cultivate new behaviors and attitudes about myself, like:
It doesn’t have to be perfect.
It’s OK to make mistakes. A mistake doesn’t mean “it’s all wrong” or you’re somehow “less than”.
I don’t need outside approval. It’s ok to approve of myself.
I am flawed AND lovable.
Everyone has something to give.
7 steps to a Drama-free life
Step 1: Practice witnessing Your Mind
In his book, The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle, writes: "many people live with a tormentor in their head that continuously attacks and punishes them and drains them of vital energy. It is the cause of untold misery and unhappiness." (4) For many, and for me, this is sad, but true statement.
Know this: this tormentor is not you (your true being, your spirit), it is your mind. It is a part of your human experience. Among many other things, the mind is the keeper of your past experiences and how you perceived those experiences. It is the keeper of all your emotional response sets. It is the keeper of every hurt and harsh word that has been spoken to you, and the keeper of all the all the resulting “scripts” that you run continuously run in your head- all of which dictate how you will perceive every experience in the future.
If you can grasp the concept of the mind as something separate from the “true you”, then “true you”, can begin to witness all its shenanigans.
When an emotional response or thought is triggered: Practice witnessing it. No need to judge it. No need to agree with it. Just witness it. Acknowledge its presence.
Step 2: Turn Inward
Reflect on the situation. Is this something that comes up for you often? How did this situation make you feel? Why? Can you think back to a time early in your life that you first experienced a similar situation that made you feel the same way? Try using a journal to write about that experience or situation. Make note of the thoughts or ideas that come up for you. This will help you begin the process of surrendering what no longer serves you.
Bathtisma Surrender Bath Soak of Sandalwood + Lavender | For relaxing and releasing what no longer serves you.
Step 3: Learn How to Stop Reacting
This is the hard part. The part that takes work. The part that takes practice. A lot of practice. And guess what? It’s not going to be perfect. The next time a situation comes up for you, witness your emotions, and just before that emotion breaks the surface, recognize it. Then take steps to regulate and balance your emotions. For me, regulating my emotions takes breath work. Breath work helps me to take a pause, regulate my emotions, and think more clearly.
Take a deep breath in. Exhale. Take another deep breath in. Exhale. Take another deep breath in. Exhale.
I swear to you, this works! If you are amid a stress situation, pause, and try it. At the beginning of your practice, you may need to remove yourself from the conversation or situation to take more time to regulate before re-engaging.
Bathtisma Balanced Bath Soak of Clary Sage + Geranium | For balancing emotions for deep relaxation.
STEP 4: Practice recognizing other peoples strengths
As I mentioned before, everyone has strengths. If someone irks you, and especially is this is someone with whom you have a relationship, take some time to sit down and make a list of their strengths. This is an exercise that helps to open your heart in loving kindness toward others. They have them. What makes them unique? Which of those strengths demonstrates their particular purpose in your life or better yet, in the world?
Bathtisma Loving Bath Soak of Rose + Patchouli | For releasing hurt and anger and manifesting loving kindness.
Step 5: Be Empathetic
This one is particular helpful for someone who has hurt you. If you can empathize with the other person, you can soften your hurt and anger and forgive. When you are stuck in your own pain, it is hard to understand that everyone has pain., but they do. At some point, everyone has been hurt by someone else. Those that hurt you are experiencing and coping with their own pain the only way they know how.
Step 6: define and communicate your own boundaries with love
It can be scary, but communication is key, especially if you have a relationship that you want to remain intact. Note that “intact”, doesn’t mean “the same”. It is never to late to define your own boundaries. Even if you historically accepted an unhealthy relationship dynamic, you can set new guard rails now. Just know that you may not have control over the outcome of the relationship. Be sure you are clear about the new boundaries and communicate them in love, and only after you have distanced yourself from the emotions and are in a clear state of mind.
Bathtisma Clarity Bath Soak of Eucalyptus + Lemon | For manifesting clear thinking and communication.
Step 7: work with affirmations
I am a firm believer in affirmations. Affirmations are one way you can actively “rewrite the script” in your mind. Try pulling a daily affirmation card and keeping affirmations in front of you during the day. I keep affirmations next to my coffee pot, so I see them first thing when I wake up. I also keep a couple of affirmations taped to my mirror in my bathroom so I can see them while I am getting ready in the morning. You can also write your own affirmations if you are working on a particular issue within yourself. Repeat your affirmations often. You may even try to say them out loud so that you reap the benefits of saying AND hearing them at the same time. Whichever method you choose, know that it might feel weird at first, but after time, it will get more comfortable, and they will begin to change your mindset.
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References
Chopra, Deepak. The Spontaneous Fulfilment of Desire, Harnessing the Infinite Power of Coincidence. p188-189. Three Rivers Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc. New York. 2003.
Davidson, Carey. The Five Archetypes, Discover Your True Nature and Transform Your Life and Relationships. p198. Tiller Press. New York, 2020.
Das, Ram. The Polishing Mirror, How to Live From Your Spiritual Heart. Sounds True. Boulder, CO, 2014.
Tolle, Eckhart. The Power of Now, A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment. Namaste Publishing. Vancouver, 1997. New World Library. Novato, CA.
